A New Year

The last three weeks are such a blur for us that it is hard for me grasp that it is 2016. The thought of this new year brings hope for joyous moments as well as the unimaginable pain that I am trying not to anticipate.

Our sweet, tiny baby, Mabel, was born December 12th at 12:21 am by c-section after a roller coaster ride of a day. It started out as what had become our normal Friday routine where Joe and I went to Maternal Fetal Medicine for one of the many biweekly ultrasounds that I had been having. Mabel had been measuring small since the anatomy scan at 18 weeks. We were told and assumed that she was just going to be small like her mama. The ultrasound that morning showed that the blood flow in the umbilical cord was failing and the doctor came in to say that we needed to head straight to the hospital. I was devastated. Things seemed to be going so well and I was sure we would make it to 37 or 38 weeks at least.

The doctor from MFM called ahead to the hospital and informed my OB on call that we were headed over, so we waited a short amount of time before getting set up in the labor and delivery room. Sarah, my nurse for most of the day, was a high school classmate of Joe's and so kind and comforting. The doctors agreed that we could attempt an induction, so around 11:30 am they started Cervadil, the pre-cursor to Pitocin, when you are only 34 weeks and your body is no where near labor. Almost twelve hours later I had started having contractions, but Mabel's heart rate was dropping with each one. The OB had warned me that we may end up in a c-section earlier in the day, so when they told me that my baby's heart rate was dropping I was ready for them to deliver. Mabel had appeared perfectly healthy on the 12+ ultrasounds we had over the last 10 weeks, so I didn't want to push it.

They prepped me quickly and we were in and out of surgery within an hour. I got a quick glimpse of Mabel as the NICU team whisked her off and Joe followed them. Joe met me in recovery. Mabel was doing well, but only weighed 2 lbs 3 oz. (Ultrasound measurements are crap - they showed her closer to 3 lbs.)

I had done plenty of googling while laying in the hospital bed before Mabel was born and was hopeful we were taking her home with us, but we had also met with the NICU head nurse to find out what to expect if did need to spend time there. She thought probably 7-10 days, but of course they wouldn't know anything for sure until she was born. So then I was hopeful we were taking her home by Christmas, but at 2 lbs 3 oz I knew that wasn't going to be the case and we were probably looking at a date closer to five weeks later near her due date.

I shed hundreds of tears before getting discharged a day early on Monday. I could hear babies crying in the rooms around me and I hadn't even held my baby and knew I was going home empty handed as well. Typing this brings more tears to my eyes, because three weeks later I am still hoping to bring Mabel home and hold her more than just a couple of hours at a time. I even had a dream the other night that I got to hold her while she slept all night long.

The amount of pain I felt seemed unbearable and then on December 21st we got hit with the hardest news that anyone could possibly receive. Mabel has Trisomy 18. In the words of the doctor "it was not a good diagnosis" and continued to inform us that most babies don't make it to their first birthday.

Our sweet girl is three weeks and two days old. She is still in the NICU, but if things go well we may actually get to bring her home. I know that we have a long journey ahead of us, but we love Mabel so much and am going to give the best life that we possibly can.